1
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,595
16,17,18,19..

2
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,111
Look, will you keep still?

3
00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:44,597
1,2,3

4
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,631
4,5,6,7,8.

5
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:48,714
No, 10.

6
00:00:48,760 --> 00:00:50,034
11.

7
00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,479
Oh!

8
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:52,999
1,2,3,4,

9
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:54,189
56..

10
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,754
Look, you. You jumped over my hand then, you.

11
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,791
Yes, you with the long eyelashes.

12
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,751
- 24.
- How do you know?

13
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,791
That's how many eggs we hatched out.

14
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,310
Haven't you got a clever daddy?

15
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:13,149
Lenin is their daddy. I'm just the builder.

16
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,759
You've finished!

17
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,393
Yes.

18
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:20,631
Chicken villas, Mark 2.

19
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:25,039
Now, then, custom-built nesting boxes.

20
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,071
Airy perching areas.

21
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,789
Separate withdrawing room for broody hens.

22
00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:34,439
What else have we got?

23
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,198
Glass panel sunroof. All right?

24
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,632
Now, part of the ground floor is devoted to
retractable loo for easy cleaning.

25
00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:45,870
The whole property will be set in
rolling Surrey downland -

26
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,911
our back garden.

27
00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:51,433
It's lovely.

28
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,232
It is good, isn't it?

29
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,159
Makes our house look tatty.
Could you make us one of those?

30
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,271
Not under �45,000.

31
00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:05,313
It's very difficult to decide which 12 to keep
and which 12 to fatten.

32
00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:08,672
They all have their own little personalities,
you see.

33
00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,677
You've had three days to interview them.

34
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,393
Have you decided which 12 we keep?

35
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:13,919
- Yes.
- Good.

36
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:15,712
Only, it's 13.

37
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,876
(Knocking)
- Come in.

38
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,399
Hello, Margo.

39
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,556
Morning, Barbara. Good morning, Tom.

40
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:23,838
You go to the library, don't you?

41
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:27,111
- Sometimes.
- Do you know Mrs Wormwood the librarian?

42
00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:28,389
Vaguely, yes.

43
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:33,799
If she does your fines, check her figures,
because she is unreliable and a backstabber.

44
00:02:34,560 --> 00:02:35,709
Why?

45
00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:39,640
She's got laryngitis and won't give her talk
to the Townswomen's Guild.

46
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,717
There must be millions of other townswomen.

47
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,559
But we've all heard
what everybody has got to say.

48
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,434
I am not prepared to sit through another
of Dolly Mountshaft's diatribes

49
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:50,790
on why Mrs Simpson should have been queen.

50
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:56,318
Couldn't you ask Jerry to give a talk
on traffic jams on London Bridge?

51
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:59,079
He will be in the middle of one
when the meeting's on.

52
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:03,557
It's the eleventh hour and I'm reduced to
scraping the bottom of the barrel.

53
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,591
I've come to ask you.

54
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:11,117
I know I look a bit scruffy but do I really look like
scrapings from the bottom of a barrel?

55
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:14,118
Of course you don't, dear.
Words got in the way of what I meant.

56
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,470
Anyway, what would I talk about?

57
00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,911
You could always do:
My year of hell as a white slave in Wigan.

58
00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,790
I already have a subject for you, Barbara.

59
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,116
- What?
- Your life. Self-sufficiency.

60
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,392
But that embarrasses you.

61
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,795
You think it's one step removed from a dirty film.

62
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:34,152
When you talk about it, yes. But I have heard
Barbara talk about it in quite a nice way.

63
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:38,512
If she sticks to the more wholesome aspects,
like those little canaries.

64
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:41,476
- Chicks.
- Whatever they are.

65
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,990
Please say you'll do it, Barbara.
I'm absolutely desperate.

66
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,316
Couldn't you have a whist drive or something?

67
00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,671
Barbara, we have a guest of honour
expecting to hear a talk,

68
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:52,677
and a talk she must hear.

69
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:55,951
- It's not Mrs Callaghan, is it?
- It most certainly is not.

70
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,752
It's Lady Truscott.

71
00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,599
- Well, get her to give the talk.
- Don't be stupid.

72
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:04,275
No, I'm no speaker.

73
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,834
Oh, dear. I'm getting a crisis headache.

74
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,432
All right, Margo, I'll do it.

75
00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,073
It isn't that much of a crisis.

76
00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:13,599
Please, Barbara.

77
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:16,439
Margo, I'd just go red and stutter.

78
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:21,873
Very well. Another block from the edifice of my
social life will come tumbling to the ground.

79
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,560
- And that really matters to you, doesn't it?
- Yes, it does.

80
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,114
However silly you think me, it does matter.

81
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:30,918
Oh, all right.

82
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:34,032
I don't want to find a pile of rubble
in your sitting room one evening.

83
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:37,471
- Of course I'll do it.
- I'm so grateful, Barbara, I really am.

84
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,558
I'll pick you up at three o'clock
and drive you to the meeting.

85
00:04:40,600 --> 00:04:44,070
Wait, wait! How long do I have to speak for?

86
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:45,918
It's all very simple.

87
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,156
I shall introduce you from the platform

88
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,670
and you stand up and talk for 20 minutes or so
on self-sufficiency.

89
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:56,794
Hopefully omitting any references to animals'
digestive habits or procreative systems.

90
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:02,754
Um, dress is optional, by the way,
but no trousers, please.

91
00:05:03,040 --> 00:05:04,075
Bye.

92
00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,478
No dung and dirties, eh.
That's going to limit the field a bit.

93
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:13,036
What did I have to say yes for?
I'm feeling nervous already.

94
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,037
Come on, love. What's to be nervous about?

95
00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:17,720
I didn't get nervous at the prize-giving
at my old school.

96
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:19,717
You didn't have to say anything.

97
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,355
The important old boy made the speech,
you just handed him the prizes.

98
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:25,391
I hope you get barracked.

99
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:34,837
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

100
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,952
Yes, of course I'll tell her.
What was your name again?

101
00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:40,631
Mrs Burke.

102
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,951
With a U and an E.

103
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,991
Right. Bye-bye.

104
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:48,434
Burke.

105
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,471
What did you say?

106
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:54,989
Mrs Burke, darling. Ringing to congratulate
Barbara on her talk the other night.

107
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,713
Oh. How very kind.

108
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:58,671
- Seems to have been quite a hit.
- Yes.

109
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,951
It was a very pleasant little talk...
for what it was.

110
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,753
It's the sixth call this morning,
all saying the same thing.

111
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,474
Yes. Of course, if Barbara had a telephone
of her own,

112
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:11,991
it would save us the trouble of running
backwards and forwards all the time.

113
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,839
Still, you must be pleased.
After all, you talked her into it.

114
00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:16,359
Of course I'm pleased, Jerry.

115
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:20,678
I wonder if any of those callers saw fit to mention
the organisational flair

116
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,916
that went into arranging the function.

117
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,718
- No.
- No.

118
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,395
Never mind, darling.
I know all the work you put into it.

119
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:29,920
- Thank you, Jerry.
- (Phone rings)

120
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,831
Margo Leadbetter.

121
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,111
Lady Truscott!

122
00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:38,631
Good morning, Lady Truscott.

123
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,911
Very well, thank you. And you?

124
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,671
Oh, good.

125
00:06:44,200 --> 00:06:49,115
Oh, I'm so pleased. One arranges these
little meetings to the best of one's ability

126
00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:52,630
but when one's speaker stands up,
one is in the lap of the gods.

127
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:56,680
Oh, I see. When, Lady Truscott?

128
00:06:57,360 --> 00:06:59,749
I'm sure she'd be honoured, Lady Truscott.

129
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,034
We'll say 4:00 for 4:30, shall we?

130
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,591
Jolly good.

131
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,831
Goodbye, Lady Truscott.

132
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:10,677
Who was that? Mrs Dooms-Patterson?

133
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,431
No. Lady Truscott.

134
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:18,752
Oh, well. I'll just pop up to the golf club
for a couple of jars.

135
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:21,872
You will not. You will pop, Jerry,
very quickly to Fortnum's

136
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:24,036
and ask for one of Mrs Leadbetter's hampers.

137
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:24,990
Eh?

138
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,237
Lady Truscott is coming to see Barbara
about something.

139
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,396
Why do we have to have a hamper
from Fortnum's?

140
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:32,078
Use your intelligence, Jerry.

141
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,556
Barbara's kitchen is hardly the place
to entertain Lady Truscott.

142
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,352
Now, get a move on, please.

143
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,118
- And, incidentally.
- What?

144
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:42,391
On your way back you will pass a bingo hall
in Wandsworth high street.

145
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:45,273
Go In, find Mrs Pierson -
she's always there on Saturdays -

146
00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:49,234
offer her whatever you have to
to make her clean the house. It's filthy.

147
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,920
What will you be doing
all the time I'm doing this?

148
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,237
I shan't be lounging about
if that's what you're implying.

149
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:57,191
I shall go next door and tell Barbara.

150
00:07:57,240 --> 00:08:00,995
I shall come back and have a lie-down
before I start getting ready.

151
00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:02,633
Isn't that enough?

152
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,631
I heard "blimey", Jerry.

153
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,231
Stop raining on my wood.

154
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:31,831
- Oh, Mr Good?
- Yes.

155
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,476
- I did ring.
- Sorry, I didn't hear you.

156
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,311
Give me hand with this, will you?

157
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,071
OK. Right.

158
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,314
Lovely. Ta, ta.

159
00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:47,351
That's it. Lovely.

160
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,516
It's going to be a chicken house, you see.

161
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,597
I didn't want it to warp so I treated it.

162
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:55,917
- Did you want me?
- Your wife, actually. I'm Lady Truscott.

163
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,191
- Oh, hello. I'm Tom. You're early, aren't you?
- Am ll? Oh, I'm sorry.

164
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:03,154
Never mind. Barbara shouldn't be a tick.
She's popped to the ironmonger's.

165
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,395
Ah. Thank you.

166
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,113
Lovely. Ta.

167
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,551
Oh, white Sussex.

168
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:14,118
You know about chickens, then?

169
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,151
A little bit. My father keeps a few.

170
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,350
Oh, yeah. How many has he got?

171
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,391
Five or six thousand, actually.

172
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,960
He's probably got a bigger back garden than us.

173
00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:27,711
A little bit bigger, yes.

174
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:32,029
Care for a spot of peapod burgundy,
Lady Truscott?

175
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,275
Oh, I'd love one.

176
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,357
And it's George.

177
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:37,391
Everybody calls me George.

178
00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:39,998
Really?

179
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,918
You don't look like a George.

180
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,634
- Well, it's Georgette, actually, but...
- Quite.

181
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:48,877
I'd better warn you first, this is a bit strong.

182
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,231
Yes, your wife said so in her talk.

183
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,591
She said, "It makes you feel
as if you've been shot out of a cannon.�

184
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:57,758
- Did she? That's good.
- Yes, she was good, too. Cheers.

185
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,671
Oh, she was right, as well.

186
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:08,430
It's sunny all day and you pop up the road
for some nails and it's...

187
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,550
Oh, hello.

188
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:11,637
This is Lady Truscott. Sorry - George.

189
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,636
George, Barbara.

190
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,193
- Hello.
- How do you do?

191
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:18,359
I didn't get a chance to talk to you the other day.
You rushed off so quickly.

192
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:22,359
Fear. I got your message from Margo.
Are you sure it's me you want to see?

193
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:23,356
Quite sure.

194
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,950
There she is. Five foot nothing
of slightly damp dynamite.

195
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,231
Barbara, your talk was the most interesting thing
I've heard in years.

196
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,999
- Was it?
- Yes. And believe me I've heard the lot.

197
00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,715
From patchwork quilt-making
to what to do with old string vests.

198
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,950
- She studied under me, you Know.
- Did you?

199
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,355
- No.
- Ah. Well, the point is this.

200
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:48,430
I wondered if you would be prepared to give
the same talk to one of the groups I work with.

201
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:53,600
Oh, no. No, that was my one and only
unaccustomed-as-l-am-to-public-speaking.

202
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,119
Thanks very much.

203
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:58,676
What a shame. They would be interested
in hearing what you've got to say.

204
00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:00,631
Who exactly are they, George?

205
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,559
My branch of the
National Association for the Deaf.

206
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,871
I know what you're going to say.

207
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,480
But some of our group can lip-read.

208
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,236
And the partially deaf have aids, of course,

209
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:15,796
and there's a young girl that relays your speech
with talking hands.

210
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,878
Oh, you're embarrassed.
That's the trouble, you see.

211
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,877
People are so busy being embarrassed

212
00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:24,390
they don't stop to think
what a cripplingly lonely thing deafness can be.

213
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:27,796
The deaf have little enough real contact
with hearing people as it is.

214
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:33,153
Especially someone who has something
so lively and interesting to talk about as you.

215
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,350
Oh, come on. What do you say?

216
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,951
You're a bit of a grafter, aren't you, George?

217
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,991
Sorry, I have to be. What do you say?

218
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:45,278
- Well, what can I say?
- Wonderful. I'll pick you up 2:30, Tuesday.

219
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,879
I think I'll have one of those.

220
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,594
Don't worry, Barbara. They'll love you.

221
00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:53,837
- I hope so.
- Of course they will. Well, here's to it.

222
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:54,995
- Cheers.
- Cheers.

223
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,031
Lady Truscott, don't.

224
00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,353
It's homemade.

225
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,357
I know. This is my second glass.

226
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,035
Oh.

227
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,913
Dear, oh dear. Where are you two off to, then?

228
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,109
Nowhere.

229
00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:15,599
I just came round to apologise. I'm so sorry.
I really am desperately sorry.

230
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,199
What for?

231
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:19,231
This is my husband Jeremy.

232
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,553
How do you do?

233
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,591
I didn't see you arrive, you see.

234
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,156
And all the time you've been here.

235
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,157
I really am terribly sorry.

236
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,918
Oil It's not a doss house you know.

237
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,270
I didn't mean that for one moment. But after all...

238
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,790
- Yes, Tom, what are those doing in here?
- I didn't want them to warp.

239
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,435
- So we brought them in.
- Jolly good chippy's mate you'd have made.

240
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,437
George?

241
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:45,950
Yes. Everybody calls me George.
Why don't you, Margo?

242
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,992
I couldn't possibly call you George,
Lady Truscott.

243
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,120
Very well, Mrs Leadbetter.

244
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,356
Well, what say we all adjourn next door?

245
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,119
I think we've fixed everything up,
haven't we, Barbara?

246
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,480
Yes, I think you have.

247
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,431
Fine, then.

248
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,154
How about adjourning next door anyway
for a spot of tea?

249
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,512
That's very sweet of you, Mrs Leadbetter,
but I do have another appointment.

250
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:11,674
You hadn't gone to a lot of trouble, had you?

251
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,711
Good heavens, no, certainly not.

252
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,876
No, Jeremy and I are very much
take-us-as-you-find-us folk.

253
00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:19,911
Oh, good.

254
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:22,078
Well, I really must dash.

255
00:13:22,120 --> 00:13:24,350
I'll see you on Tuesday, Barbara.

256
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:26,516
- Bye, everybody.
- Bye, George. Bye.

257
00:13:28,920 --> 00:13:31,514
Oh, never mind, Margo.

258
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:33,632
Worse things happen at sea.

259
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,751
We're not at sea. We're in the Avenue.

260
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,517
It was only a casual invitation anyway.

261
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,437
Casual? Casual!

262
00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:44,713
I've been tearing about all afternoon
like some sort of demented flunky.

263
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:48,594
I had to physically drag Mrs Pierson
out of some ghastly bingo hall,

264
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:53,271
collect and pay for a �50 hamper
from Fortnum's. That is not casual!

265
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,638
I'm so sorry, Jerry.

266
00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:57,273
Well...

267
00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,278
I know what'll cheer you both up.
Barbara and I will come to tea.

268
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,357
That's very magnanimous of you.

269
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,550
Yes, well, we're like that.

270
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:08,070
- Anyway, we can't stand waste.
- Oh, no, no, no.

271
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,312
Particularly when it comes from
the Queen's grocers.

272
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,914
No, no, no. Don't touch that.
You'll get yourself dirty.

273
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,952
I feel so guilty going off
and leaving everything to you.

274
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,958
- Where's your lecture today?
- Ata children's home.

275
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,877
I can't bear leaving you with all the work.

276
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:41,198
If you can stand the thought of tear-stained
cheeks when they know you're not coming,

277
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:43,197
all those quivering little lips.

278
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,880
- Oh, shut up. You're no help.
- I'm trying to be, actually.

279
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:48,070
They're good causes.
You can't get away from that.

280
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,157
Yes, but three afternoons this week.

281
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:54,478
Barbara, I thrive on responsibility.
I was ink monitor at school, you know.

282
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:57,914
We were supposed to put the chicken house up
this afternoon.

283
00:14:57,960 --> 00:14:59,837
- I can do that.
- On your own?

284
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:03,874
Yes. If an ink monitor can't put up a chicken
house, what sort of ink monitor is he?

285
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,558
(Horn beeps)
- That'll be George.

286
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,591
- Buzz off.
- All right.

287
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:10,671
- Tom, are you sure...
- Get..

288
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,439
All right, I'm going.

289
00:15:12,480 --> 00:15:14,471
Just remember, I am a handyman.

290
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:19,876
Oh!

291
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,151
(Clucking)

292
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:49,431
Barbara?

293
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,951
Come on, come on.

294
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,431
Lenin? Lenin!

295
00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:42,231
Lenin! Come here.

296
00:16:42,280 --> 00:16:44,271
Bad boy. Sit.

297
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,311
Lenin, will you come here.

298
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:56,111
Lenin!

299
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,072
Now, Lenin, don't be silly.

300
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,718
No, Lenin, no.

301
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,592
Lenin, no!

302
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,793
Lenin, what are you doing?

303
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:08,831
No! No! Lenin!

304
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,237
Lenin!

305
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:13,271
Leni-i-i-n!

306
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,271
Fares, please.

307
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,359
Fares, please.

308
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,994
Er, one and a cockerel to the next stop, please.

309
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:33,955
Ta.

310
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,751
- Cup of tea?
- Mm. Yes, please.

311
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,111
- Wrong.
- Tom!

312
00:17:52,840 --> 00:17:54,717
Tom!

313
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,190
George, are you any good at catching chickens?

314
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:06,709
I don't know but I think I'm about to find out.

315
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:21,916
I'm sorry about those trousers but they're
the only spare pair Tom's got at the moment.

316
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,474
Oh, it's all right. I think they're rather fetching.

317
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,431
Do you think this skirt'll mend?

318
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,632
- No.
- No, I didn't think it would. I am sorry.

319
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:33,753
It's all right. It's not every day I get the chance
to take part in a chicken rodeo.

320
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,791
TOM: Get In there!
- There's Tom.

321
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:37,877
Goon. Goon.

322
00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,911
(Clucking)

323
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,229
Hello.

324
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,954
Where have you been?
All the chickens were out.

325
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,550
Oh, damn. I must have left the gate open.

326
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,113
Obviously. Why?

327
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,117
Lenin decided to go walkabout.

328
00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:56,150
Lenin?

329
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:58,635
- This mad cockerel of ours.
- Where did he go?

330
00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,591
Kingston.

331
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,638
You mean you chased him
all the way to Kingston?

332
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,239
He's no fool. He got on a bus.

333
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,874
- Tom!
- He did, I tell you, he did.

334
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,991
It took me three stops to catch up with the bus.

335
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:15,317
On hands and knees crawling under the seats
trying to find him.

336
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:18,239
I touched some woman's leg.
She stamped on my hand.

337
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:21,716
Conductor got bolshie
because cockerels aren't in their rulebook.

338
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,070
By the time we'd worked that out
we were at Kingston.

339
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:26,077
Lovely long walk back, no money for the fare.

340
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:29,158
Nice pair of trousers, George.
I've got a pair like that.

341
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,079
You see, you did need me here this afternoon.

342
00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,157
- Well, yes, I did.
- Look, George...

343
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:39,115
I know. It's time I started to bully someone else
into speaking for me.

344
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,271
It isn't that we don't want to help,

345
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:45,598
but we need all hands on deck at all times here.

346
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,790
I have been realising that myself, actually.

347
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,435
I haven't been taking up your spare time
because you don't have any, do you?

348
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:52,436
Not a lot.

349
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,313
And you've done your fair share
and I'm very grateful.

350
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:59,672
To make sure Tom gets his trousers back,
I'll do the last engagement on your list.

351
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:03,554
- My current list.
- That's Grant House on Friday, isn't it?

352
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,591
Oh, they're my trousers.

353
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,830
Mind like a rapier, this man.

354
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:13,950
Thank you for being so patient, Tom,
and thanks for all your hard work. It was worth it.

355
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:15,479
Yes, of course it was.

356
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,160
I really must go home
and see if I've still got a husband.

357
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,753
Now, look, don't be a stranger to us
now you know where we are.

358
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,555
I won't. I'll give you a few weeks to catch up
then I shall be pestering you again.

359
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:27,591
See you on Friday, Barbara. Bye.

360
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,517
Oh, Lady Truscott.

361
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,631
I saw your car and thought I'd just...

362
00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,471
Mrs Leadbetter, do excuse me, please.
I must dash. Bye-bye.

363
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,071
Bye, George.

364
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,358
Lady Truscott is wearing
those awful old trousers of Tom's.

365
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,711
Yes, she tore her skirt
while we were chasing the chickens.

366
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,070
Oh, don't try and cover up for me, Barbara.

367
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,111
I don't know what came over me.

368
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,831
How can I put it?

369
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,996
It's her being an aristocrat, I suppose.

370
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:58,031
Stop there, Tom.

371
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,637
I can sense the beginning
of one of your so-called jokes.

372
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:06,519
A joke that is going to become increasingly
vulgar if I'm not very much mistaken.

373
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:09,757
Don't get shiny with me just because
you missed out on Lady Truscott.

374
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,916
Don't be silly. I don't know what you mean.

375
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:16,716
It's just as well I didn't tear out
for that champagne. Her car's just driven off.

376
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,592
We needed champagne anyway, Jerry.

377
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,278
Yes, of course.

378
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:24,951
Margo, why don't you put yourself out of
your misery and just invite her to tea?

379
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,798
Even George must have some spare time.

380
00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,117
I'm sure Barbara would know more about that
than I would.

381
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,233
I'm giving one more chat
and then I'm retiring from public life.

382
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:35,918
Oh? A little rift?

383
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,713
No, Tom and I have got too much work to do.

384
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:40,956
It's Grant House on Friday and that's it.

385
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,038
What? Grant House?
That's a remand home.

386
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,352
- You never told me that.
- Didn't 17 It's not important, is it?

387
00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,277
Are you out of your mind?

388
00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:54,518
All self-sufficiency means to thugs
is owning their own burglar's tools.

389
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,717
It might give them something to think about.

390
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,751
They don't think.

391
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,992
I'll tell you one thing.
I wouldn't let my wife set foot in there.

392
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:05,078
Thank you, Jerry.
Not that I'd let you let me, anyway.

393
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,352
What are you making a fuss about?

394
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,119
It is a remand home,
not a maximum security prison.

395
00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,595
- I've said my piece. Please yourself.
- I will.

396
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,153
Then on your head be it.

397
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,033
Come along, Jerry.
I've got my correspondence to deal with.

398
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,071
Why should that involve me?

399
00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:22,631
Somebody has to post the letters.

400
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,996
I think we've weathered another broadside.

401
00:22:30,040 --> 00:22:31,633
Yes.

402
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:37,274
Do you know, if those two get any more
extreme, they'll fall off the edge of the world.

403
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,431
Anyone would think you were making contact
with a tribe of head-hunters.

404
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:43,471
- Isn't it silly?
- Yes.

405
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,949
I think I'll come with you on Friday, though.

406
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:58,631
(Chatter)

407
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,391
(Rowdy shouting)

408
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:24,197
- Barbara, I think I'd better come in with you.
- I'll be all right.

409
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:25,992
You'd make me go all self-conscious.

410
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:27,997
- All ready, Mrs Good?
- Yes.

411
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:30,031
I'll just quieten them down.

412
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,239
Shut up!

413
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,271
(Jeering)

414
00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:37,469
Barbara, I'll be right by the door.

415
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,071
All right, Sir Tom.

416
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:43,711
George.

417
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,319
(Whistling and cheering)

418
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,351
I try not to pre-judge people, you know that.

419
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,437
- But?
- If any lad upsets my wife,

420
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:52,279
I'll hit him first
and wrestle with my conscience afterwards.

421
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,311
Fair enough.

422
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:57,191
(Wolf whistles)

423
00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:14,354
Oh, ah. I say, it's incredible.

424
00:24:14,920 --> 00:24:17,560
- They never made a sound.
- Weren't they lovely?

425
00:24:17,600 --> 00:24:20,194
It was like mass hypnotism.
They were absolutely riveted.

426
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,516
- You did say they'd behave.
- Yes, I did.

427
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:28,797
On the other hand, I must admit I do sometimes
resort to the professional half-truth.

428
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:33,910
Some of my speakers in the past
have had a very rough ride here.

429
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,837
You are a con merchant.

430
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:37,678
Yes, but for good causes.

431
00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:39,870
What a shame we're going to lose you, Barbara.

432
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:41,877
Tea.

433
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:44,992
I say, I think I know why they behaved.

434
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,078
I'm not taking anything away from you,
you're obviously a natural.

435
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,714
The subject itself must have interested them.

436
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:54,073
Just a sec. Er, excuse me.

437
00:24:56,840 --> 00:24:58,831
Could I have a word with you... son?

438
00:24:59,160 --> 00:25:01,629
What word's that... Dad?

439
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:06,200
- You listened to the talk in there, didn't you?
- Yeah.

440
00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:10,438
Would I be right in saying there was something
in it that made you realise

441
00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:14,599
you can rebel against society
without hurting people to do it?

442
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,551
Am I anywhere close to it?

443
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:18,434
No.

444
00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,232
There must be something in self-sufficiency
that intrigues you.

445
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:23,714
No.

446
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,511
Why did you pay so much attention, then?

447
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:29,518
So she wouldn't get edgy
and start moving about.

448
00:25:29,560 --> 00:25:32,234
Er, I'm not quite with you there, son.

449
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,874
Well, when she stood in front of that window,

450
00:25:34,920 --> 00:25:37,036
with the sun coming through it,

451
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:39,151
we could see right through her dress.

452
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:43,351
Very nice, too.

453
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:46,631
Very nice.

454
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,391
Out! Out!

455
00:25:51,441 --> 00:25:55,991
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